Public Service Announcement: I’ve Got A Knife

Recorded on March 25th, 2016

I’ve waited long enough to share this. In the kitchen, when I transport a knife from the drying rack to the drawer, I say to Sarah, “I’VE GOT A KNIFE”. I do this because we have a not-huge kitchen, I have one good eye1, and I believe in safety first2. You don’t want your kitchen-mate to turn around quickly or jut an arm out and impale themselves on one of those big-ass Henckels knives. I even say it when she’s not in the kitchen, just in case she decides to run into the kitchen while I’m carrying a knife.

photo of Henckels knife

I also do it because it reminds me of the Black Lips song, “I’ve Got A Knife”. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw them at Sleazefest in Chapel Hill in 2003 and one of them spit up fake vomit all over himself while playing guitar. It was sooooo good. Total chaos and danger. (I’m just now seeing the irony in christening a safety mantra after a song by that band.)

Sarah is not fully on board with saying “I’VE GOT A KNIFE”, which is part of the humor. I am undeterred and will keep saying it until the end of time, or until I lose an eye. It’s a long way between the sink and the drawer. Anything could happen.

Imagine this philosophy extended to proper following distance on the road, alternate merging, and just being aware of who the hell you’re in the way of in the cafeteria. Someday when I’m in charge, everyone will announce it when they’ve got a knife. Thanks, Black Lips.


  1. Cataract, circa 1971. 

  2. See footnote 1. 

blog comments powered by Disqus